July 23, 2011. 9:18am

Decided to write and pour out some thoughts again, instead of fragmented tweeting i find writing a longer blog post would be at least therapeutic. As if someone ever reads this post. As if, someone would ever click the link that i tweeted to direct them to this post. In any case, i just want to express myself because i haven’t been expressing myself lately that most of the time i am bored.

And boredom makes you think of unhappy, disturbing, irrational thoughts. Those kinds of thoughts make you depressed and weak and vulnerable. You wish, that there’s an over the counter chill pill that makes it all better. Or perhaps, a friend that you can count on, or perhaps, a shoulder you can lean on. I wanted to be busier, its just that YOU are always in my head. I don’t know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. See, analyzing it would just enabling my boredom to a higher degree so whatever YOU are giving me, i just take it as it is. As i said before, I do think that i feel strong emotions towards you- something that other people say, Love.

Problem is that you are in love with someone else. Which is good for you, and sorry for me?

I don’t believe that im a selfish person. I just want someone to talk to sometimes. No, Scratch that. Its been too long since i had that special person that i truly cared for. Meaning, i don’t really fool around just to be with someone that i call my girl. I don’t fool around just to satiate my human urges for attention and gratification. I wait for that good opportunity, with patience and prayers. One day, i noticed you and told myself that there’s something special about you. There’s a spark that appeared and i know i had to take my chances. Until now, im taking chances. I know how special you are and i care about you. Problem with me is i get too obsessive you almost get locked in my head and the thought of you lingers throughout my day. Another problem is that im far away from you, which magnifies the excitement of spending time with you and magnifies the pain of waiting.

Problem is, and i am a 100 percent aware of it, is that you are in love with someone else.

I know that because you told me so – straight up, no sugar coating.

So why are you still in my head? Why are you still in my thoughts day-in and day-out its driving me crazy? In the past when a girl i date tells me this or even gives me a hint that she’s unavailable, i just normally pay the dinner and then move on. Yes, i just move along. In fact i tried moving along, i tried forgetting about you, wipe you off my memory and save myself from being a potential emo trainwreck.  But i cant. I cant stop thinking about you.

I wanna know if you’re alright. I wanna know what you had for lunch. I wanna know how your day went. I wanna know if you brought an umbrella to work. I wanna know if you’re still worried with things… And i don’t do this for the sole reason of showing you that i care….

Im doing this because deep inside of brain and heart (or whatever makes me tick) tells me that ill be happy and calm knowing that you are alright.

Im asking again, why cant i get you out of my head? I don’t have a chance anyway, clearly you are in love with someone else. And its none of my business. I just freaking like you so much it defies every single defence mechanism i have to not get hurt by an emotional torture.

I like you because to me – you are perfect.

I like you because every time you smile its just so awesome and then i tell myself deep within, hey, it sucks to be me because i have no chance in hell that im gonna get that girl. We just friends, and thats the bottomline.  Normally, i would have just moved along, waiting patiently for another good opportunity to find that so-called love. And im telling you searching for it is like clawing out scarce gold dusts of a river bank. So when i saw you, when i met you, when i talked to you, i knew that im in trouble, in a good sense of the word.

Im sorry coz i am cheesy. Saying words i normally not say, doing things i normally not do. But i just could not help myself. I have to take my chances, i have to go for it, i have to fight till there’s nothing left in me. Maybe someday ill muster enough courage to move along, move on with our lives and be patient again. Perhaps if i just do good things now for me, then ill be able to snag more opportunities. But there’s something about you that made me fall.

I don’t fool around, and im telling myself that maybe i should because i deserve to love and love back even so in a superficial level but heck no. I don’t do that. I cant get you out of my head because you showed me who you are, and the qualities that are admirable of you. I respect your decision, i never want to put you on the spot, i never want to see you hurting or in pain. I wanna make you happy the best i can, though, you can only treat me as a friend. And its perfectly okay with me. Even if probably ill be having a tough time recovering.

@RevRunWisdom tweeted something today. He said; Hope is a very unruly thing.

Its true. A part of me wants to pursue something only fate can decide and cross my fingers and just love you the way i do because i do love you, i do care for you immensely. I wanna be there for you. Because caring for you give me a calm sense of comfort and happiness.

A part of me tells me that its an effort in futility. And this negative part of me has been the object of my shadowboxing workout. I don’t it whispering to me at night, and in the morning. I don’t really care if you dump me over and over and over. No, i don’t care.

I just know.

Post Script.

I wonder if you will ever stumble upon this. That would be a minor miracle wouldn’t it? You know who i am, kat. I say what i mean, and i mean what i say. Thanks for reading.

I am sorry, Carrots.

I didnt know what has gotten into me. I honestly thought we had a connection. I honestly thought we had an understanding. I am sorry if i misjudged things and i made myself a monumental bother to you. I sincerely apologize for the actions and everything else that i did that made you feel uneasy. I am ashamed of myself, my guilt conscience is killing me and im just sorry i did what i did. It pains my heart to know that ive hurt you in many ways and this pain throbs every second in me. I regret it deeply. I crying to know that maybe i lost another good friend. I have lost so many. It like a deep cut within me that has no easy cure. I am sorry, Carrots, for all the things i did. I really am. I dont know what to do Carrots, im scared enough to ask  for forgiveness, and im ashamed that maybe those actions ruined your friendship to me for good. I have no idea, Carrots. All i know is that im sorry.

Carrots, that few days that im with you i found a calm presence in my heart. You made me laugh like the happy kind of laugh. God knows how i wanna be with you. And God knows how sorry i am for having hurt you. Im a fumbling fool.

I wander inside the catacombs of thoughts that my puny brain process. I wanna have that perfect time when one person actually gave a flying fuck on what i feel and what i want to share. In the end, it all boils down to love, blood and family. In the current state, you need to sacrifice and be self-less. Everyday i am reminded on the grave shortcomings i had, actually there was a lot of them, so i have to make – up for lost time, money and opportunity. Is it too much to ask for things that are quietly stored inside the graveyard in my head. Quietly waiting for a blessed chance, or a half-chance, to enjoy a bit of liberty? to have that one day off where i can go in peace and nobody gives a nasty comment on every action you take? To have that silence, that precious silence when everyone you know just smiles away and you just smile back. I feel hated, even if i dont hate back. I get whipped, even if i make sacrifices. I get insulted and disrespected instead of appreciation and recognition. Fact, things work that way.

Could it be too much to ask for a solemn day of  chat over pizza and beer with @porbidadolor ?

The way this post is written is character suicide, (also egotistical).  Maybe im more psycho, than most psychos that claim to be psychos but arent really psychos. This is what happens when i dont take downers to knock me out of sleep. I seek happiness and a quiet silent peace of mind and heart and emotion. I demand respect to reciprocate, not equivocate. I feel weary just thinking about it. I wanna sleep. I hope i had another day to myself before heading back to the province. Ironically, im a loner that needs to find a good equilibrium of being sanely lonely and sanely sociable preferably with a few good friends.  Truth is im having major self-doubt now, am i really that incorrigible? I am really that obnoxious? I know im not. I know im not condescending in a conversation…. Its just an unfortunate series of events that has fatigued me to a very high level of  stress. I wander, like a mongol vagrant lost in the Gobi looking for water.

Carrots, im sorry.

I remember when we were new to this town. Mom and Dad decided to move here (from Manila). Mom just finished Radiology and my Dad is an unemployed bum. Dad came from a poor family, i think they were 8 or 9 of them siblings. We wasnt able to finish college and was forced to do odd jobs. I remember my Uncle Andres, a police officer and they have this well off kind of living. His children treated me like a true cousin. Me and my brother Ren used to hang out at their place all the time with all the toys we can play, and Papa and Ma was away working. Fact is that, when we had nothing, when our backs against the wall, Uncle Andres was kind enough to give us a hand. Its just bloody sad he’s gone now. I never mentioned to him how cool he was. I feel guilty somehow, just a few months ago he was at our clinic for a checkup and i didnt even had idle chit chat with him. Its all shitty when you forget to appreciate people and suddenly they’re just gone. Give a Hug, give a smile. Its a short life to be bent on making money and having issues with hate and revenge.

Now my Dad has a growing business, Mom wants to retire from government (insert swear word of choice) service, and I am being reared to handle things IN CASE THINGS HAPPEN. And that’s a lot of fucking pressure, man. I am the Kuya so i should be sacrificing a lot more than i should. Its like destiny. Im not complaining at all, im just trying to find ways not to think about THE EVENTUAL THING. Prayers do help, knowing that God will give more strength and courage to help you stand on your own and let you know that you are not alone. I want to build an empire that can support me and my brothers and a few good relatives. I want that empire to be strong. My Dad is teaching me details and even ciphered clues that now i must figure out. You can probably list down the values you must have to run an empire – discipline, patience, charisma (i have non of these motherfuckers). But one thing for sure, you gotta have METTLE. BALLS. COJONES. Unless you want to be devoured by that pitiless wicked attributes of human douchebags.

Maybe i just wanted to write to reassure myself. That hey, take it easy, damn it, you’ll be just fine.

Valium helps a bit. When i feel nervous, i dont function well. If i take a pill, i feel week and my mind cant process these evil lopsided thoughts. So i try to minimize my intake and take everything easy. There’s no need for hostilities. No need for madness.

Soon as i get back to manila i will set up another blog about magic, ill be a novice again and make it proper. Of course my goals are set and this blog will remain for personal brain drain. Its a healthy way of cursing my fears away. I need things to get by, i needed a lot of drugs in my systems. Im just getting bored and bored by the minute. I need a change of habit.

Getting tired of this blog. Its like a house without its master. Its like been abandoned for so long. What a shame and who gives a fuck?

Lots of things to do. With the days dawning on April. I cant wait. But im anxious. I have mental sickness i have to take care of.

Can someone please take me out of this boredom?

> Most of the time my mind just floats away gathering ideas. I have plenty of ideas that needs action. I must do something.

> I miss the internet, which makes me more lazy so i should not be enabling it.

> I seriously need to work out and document my forthcoming 100lb weight loss for pete’s sake. maybe ill make a youtube account.

> the problem is fruit is very expensive here and there’s not much lettuce to go around. vegan life is hard enough as it is.

> Had kare-kare last night. Nothings tops it.

> Father gave me harsh words of wisdom earlier around 4am. take about a rude awakening. thats why i needed pot. but i never tried any illegal drugs. i just need a stick of menthol cigarette.

> I miss having a close friend who understands my language.

> I lost all of em and left a path of destruction. well, im ashamed of it.

> gotta log out in 15 minutes and go back to town. No proper internet there so i cant really put live wordpress updates as often as i want to.

> i seriously have to change a lot of things before time runs out. I do the word talk but i should DO SOMETHING!

> okay i should really log out now. Just saw the pacman and will ferrel vid. awesomely hilarious!

How’s everything?

I cant say that i have been good or bad or perhaps when im starting to write down things i tend to shiver up a bit and forget things that i wanna say or thoughts that have been clogged down my brain. Its painfully weird.

What i know is that i need help and extra motivation to do the things i should be doing for my own benifit. I need help and the problem is, i wont be getting any. Im on my own, searching for motivation, searching for strength and searching for will power. I need to fix things and prep myself for next year. I just need to do tasks efficiently, get a proper diet regimen and i should be okay.

I miss this blog. im fired up!

This time last year i was in a total wreck, my mind was clouded with so much negativity, depression and hopelessness. I did a lot of bad things and mismanaged a lot of things. I squandered financial grants knowing responsibly that i was not gonna be able to pay it back. I pushed away a lot of people that cared about me, i was dark and obnoxious. i threw away several major opportunities that would have given me a greater value. I didn’t appreciate what i had and let the painful past of betrayal and rejections shroud my entire being. I was my own detriment. I was my own failure.

I mean, looking back…. what the hell was i thinking? I quit school knowing that the fraternity will give me a sense of comfort. Really? is comfort the one good reason to quit school? What about your future? What about your career. Also i resent myself for being such a stupid idiot and trusting a girlfriend that she would never cheat and hacksaw my cranium. For that i was hurt the most. Like Captain Price said, have to trust someone to be betrayed…i never did. But the implications of her dumping me just like that was like, tremendous. I stopped caring, i wanted to rebel, i lost track of what was important to me. The effect? I hit rock bottom and there’s no way for me to get back that easily.

I have been out of school for prolly a year now. And i still got a year and a half to go. I actually miss school and having good friends and have deep conversations with people. I miss learning and acquiring knowledge and other important skills and tools. I miss the company of people you share common ideas with. Im going back to school this coming June 2011 and im gonna finish it. Thats my dream for the next future and ill follow and chase it to no end. I have been dedicated, and I learned how to be dedicated and now i wanna take a lot more action. I learned also to really find people that i can definitely trust and rely on. Im not bitter, although sometimes the fangs of regret sinks deeply and force you to lick the ugly memories again. Pathetic questions on why on earth did you even meet the person who will ruin your entire life, why did she even go out with me and stuff like that… Its terrible. Sometimes i indulge those but i have learned how to manage it. Because contemplating on those thoughts will just make things worse. Enough thinking and more rebuilding. There’s not a single day until i go back to school will i waste on not rebuilding myself and equipping myself with a proper mindset. For me, its  a healing process.

I have been a fugitive, i am scared of seeing the people that i ran away from. I dont want to see them again and i do not harbor the thought that maybe someday we’ll be friends again. I cower away because i am not prepared and ready for that kind of emotional thing. And yes i have been acting like a fugitive, I stay away from public places and places where you usually hang out. I was a certified mess back then, almost a year ago.

This thing is sort of a confession, i need this for my healing process. Am i still mad? A little.  But i moved on, but i completely heal there’s only one thing left to do – go back to school.

A lot has changed about me. I needed to change.

Okay, well, ill followup soon. I better get some sleep.

I slipped away last night
Took me away from sight and the place I know.
All crushed upon my skin
This mess I put you in and the punch I thrown.

It was a strange reaction
For someone like you to remain on side
And in a chain reaction
I was down and calling for a place to hide.

I saw a broken arm
Machines will all break down in the way I know.
Mended and all made clean
I saw upon the screen all the stones I thrown.

It was a strange reaction
For someone like you to remain so sure
And in a chain reaction
I dissolve and break and then away I crawl

And then away I crawl
And away I crawl
And away I crawl
And away I crawl

___

Most of us, we are just continuously finding ways to make our lives feel special and needed. It gives a whole lot of new meaning to living. Living for something other than just plainly existing.

Thats why breakups are fucking depressing. You know, shit like that.

This is when self-doubt kicks in and you think that all the world problems revolve around you. It does not but you feel its like that. You take all the bullshit before and you will still take all the bullshit now and in the future. Its all engraved in your chest forever tormenting you with all the Insulting words saying you are the biggest fucking mistake God and your parents ever fucking made.

Im gonna die soon, or perhaps a part of me died a long time ago and stopped caring a long time ago. I cant really blame anybody but myself and my sheer idiocy and stupidity because i made a lot of wrong choices. Maybe i had needs that i needed to fill up but thats not how it works. Maybe i just deserve to just die. I do right? I mean, what the fuck is all this for anyway? i have no purpose, my own brother hurls very hurtful insults at me. My mom does not love me. My father hates me so bad hes gonna put a bullet in my head the moment i step on the island. Nobody wants me. At this emo fucking moment that im having, i feel that im not welcome at hell too. So being stuck between a rock and a hard place is really all that miserable. I wish i have all the fucking courage in the world to commit self destruct but i dont even have the fucking balls to do it. Thats how lame i am. Maybe my brother is right, i am all that is wrong and pitiful in this world. I have lost a battle i had no chance of winning anyway. Fuck you, optimism.

This is Rapt 2.0′s all about. Ramblings of a Mad Man who got himself digging his own grave of quicksand, being stuck there and slowly sinking into the abyss. I have never accomplished anything and will never will. In the eyes of the only people i have cared the most, i am nothing but a loser and a mistake and a leech and a good for nothing son. And it does fucking hurt. Ill certainly go to hell and continue to have eternal lashing, as if this life aint hell enough already. All you people who wished me dead, you got me better than being dead. Isnt that suffering is better a punishment? We do live in a wonderful world. Yeah we do, yeah we do…

Now im craving for words that can balance everything, balance more evil with evil. Balance the insults and all the hurtful words that i deserve. You wonder how much you can take. You are alone in this world with even your whole family hating you. i might as well have been a convicted criminal or murderer. Seems like there’s no difference to that.

FML.

When i wake up from a fascinating weird dream i almost lose all detail about it. Reality hits you pretty quickly, along with stress and fatigue and pressure. These factors i need to eliminate while i am still sane enough to be living comfortably under my skin. When i wake up, i face unlimited demons that serves a purpose of making your life miserable and solitary. I begin to watch a lot of comedy shows just so i laugh out loud alone and feel warmth amidst all this craziness. I dont appeal to help because i deem it stupid to do so because i need to help myself first. Pressure amounts, mix with an enormity of schedule-related stress, unmotivated workplace and lower than average pay scale – and you have one sick mind borderline clinical insanity.

So i must do what i must. 7 days more of slaving hours and kissing ass and then i take a sabbatical for a week. This good week will be comprised of nothing but cleansing every aspect of my human life, dealing with it Physically, Mentally and Spiritually. A week of bringing stability and equilibrium again to my tainted self, restructuring and feeling a huge sigh of relief, or even feeling freedom from stress, exhaustion and anxiety. Freedom from constant acid reflux attack, heartburn and chest pains. Freedom from ridicule and prejudice. I have to endure 7 more working days, sleepless nights, and reasoning. After that i need to give myself the proper treatment it long deserves. No more self poisoning and self sabotage. No more laughing alone moments and tv dinners. I am screwed each and every way but things has to really change.

A new light, a new inner peace and a whole new level of discipline and energy. This is more than just lip service. Thats why i put it up in my blog.

So dreams and fantasy and reality, the duality of all that shit, ill be facing it without apprehension and with an open mind. 7 days more, 7 days to go. Watch out.