Random Acts of Potential Trepidations

 

July 23, 2011. 9:18am

Decided to write and pour out some thoughts again, instead of fragmented tweeting i find writing a longer blog post would be at least therapeutic. As if someone ever reads this post. As if, someone would ever click the link that i tweeted to direct them to this post. In any case, i just want to express myself because i haven’t been expressing myself lately that most of the time i am bored.

And boredom makes you think of unhappy, disturbing, irrational thoughts. Those kinds of thoughts make you depressed and weak and vulnerable. You wish, that there’s an over the counter chill pill that makes it all better. Or perhaps, a friend that you can count on, or perhaps, a shoulder you can lean on. I wanted to be busier, its just that YOU are always in my head. I don’t know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. See, analyzing it would just enabling my boredom to a higher degree so whatever YOU are giving me, i just take it as it is. As i said before, I do think that i feel strong emotions towards you- something that other people say, Love.

Problem is that you are in love with someone else. Which is good for you, and sorry for me?

I don’t believe that im a selfish person. I just want someone to talk to sometimes. No, Scratch that. Its been too long since i had that special person that i truly cared for. Meaning, i don’t really fool around just to be with someone that i call my girl. I don’t fool around just to satiate my human urges for attention and gratification. I wait for that good opportunity, with patience and prayers. One day, i noticed you and told myself that there’s something special about you. There’s a spark that appeared and i know i had to take my chances. Until now, im taking chances. I know how special you are and i care about you. Problem with me is i get too obsessive you almost get locked in my head and the thought of you lingers throughout my day. Another problem is that im far away from you, which magnifies the excitement of spending time with you and magnifies the pain of waiting.

Problem is, and i am a 100 percent aware of it, is that you are in love with someone else.

I know that because you told me so – straight up, no sugar coating.

So why are you still in my head? Why are you still in my thoughts day-in and day-out its driving me crazy? In the past when a girl i date tells me this or even gives me a hint that she’s unavailable, i just normally pay the dinner and then move on. Yes, i just move along. In fact i tried moving along, i tried forgetting about you, wipe you off my memory and save myself from being a potential emo trainwreck.  But i cant. I cant stop thinking about you.

I wanna know if you’re alright. I wanna know what you had for lunch. I wanna know how your day went. I wanna know if you brought an umbrella to work. I wanna know if you’re still worried with things… And i don’t do this for the sole reason of showing you that i care….

Im doing this because deep inside of brain and heart (or whatever makes me tick) tells me that ill be happy and calm knowing that you are alright.

Im asking again, why cant i get you out of my head? I don’t have a chance anyway, clearly you are in love with someone else. And its none of my business. I just freaking like you so much it defies every single defence mechanism i have to not get hurt by an emotional torture.

I like you because to me – you are perfect.

I like you because every time you smile its just so awesome and then i tell myself deep within, hey, it sucks to be me because i have no chance in hell that im gonna get that girl. We just friends, and thats the bottomline.  Normally, i would have just moved along, waiting patiently for another good opportunity to find that so-called love. And im telling you searching for it is like clawing out scarce gold dusts of a river bank. So when i saw you, when i met you, when i talked to you, i knew that im in trouble, in a good sense of the word.

Im sorry coz i am cheesy. Saying words i normally not say, doing things i normally not do. But i just could not help myself. I have to take my chances, i have to go for it, i have to fight till there’s nothing left in me. Maybe someday ill muster enough courage to move along, move on with our lives and be patient again. Perhaps if i just do good things now for me, then ill be able to snag more opportunities. But there’s something about you that made me fall.

I don’t fool around, and im telling myself that maybe i should because i deserve to love and love back even so in a superficial level but heck no. I don’t do that. I cant get you out of my head because you showed me who you are, and the qualities that are admirable of you. I respect your decision, i never want to put you on the spot, i never want to see you hurting or in pain. I wanna make you happy the best i can, though, you can only treat me as a friend. And its perfectly okay with me. Even if probably ill be having a tough time recovering.

@RevRunWisdom tweeted something today. He said; Hope is a very unruly thing.

Its true. A part of me wants to pursue something only fate can decide and cross my fingers and just love you the way i do because i do love you, i do care for you immensely. I wanna be there for you. Because caring for you give me a calm sense of comfort and happiness.

A part of me tells me that its an effort in futility. And this negative part of me has been the object of my shadowboxing workout. I don’t it whispering to me at night, and in the morning. I don’t really care if you dump me over and over and over. No, i don’t care.

I just know.

Post Script.

I wonder if you will ever stumble upon this. That would be a minor miracle wouldn’t it? You know who i am, kat. I say what i mean, and i mean what i say. Thanks for reading.