Wander.
I truly enjoy these few rare nights when im alone and i can blog and reflect and no one’s gonna bother me with an withered comment about how incredibly fat i am, how i squandered my chance to have a college degree and how im just stupid fuck up like an earthworm gnawing soil not worried about what’s life purpose. Problem is, i worry too much. I hate too much when i think too much and then i cant just shrug every pain bullet off. Sometimes its too much i just have to move along, turn a blind eye, pretend to be deaf and just move along. I easily delete those sad moments in my life and pretend it never happened. I watch my actions but still i make damn mistakes that moves me inches closer to another shit hole of a shut out. I wander on the virtual mind, aimlessly looking for something or someone willing enough to listen to what i say. I find none. Which made me conclude, that i pushed everybody away one way or another. The very few chances that i had made good friends, and i pushed them away. So now im a loser blogging and winging about life’s common tragedies.
I am sorry, Carrots.
I didnt know what has gotten into me. I honestly thought we had a connection. I honestly thought we had an understanding. I am sorry if i misjudged things and i made myself a monumental bother to you. I sincerely apologize for the actions and everything else that i did that made you feel uneasy. I am ashamed of myself, my guilt conscience is killing me and im just sorry i did what i did. It pains my heart to know that ive hurt you in many ways and this pain throbs every second in me. I regret it deeply. I crying to know that maybe i lost another good friend. I have lost so many. It like a deep cut within me that has no easy cure. I am sorry, Carrots, for all the things i did. I really am. I dont know what to do Carrots, im scared enough to ask for forgiveness, and im ashamed that maybe those actions ruined your friendship to me for good. I have no idea, Carrots. All i know is that im sorry.
Carrots, that few days that im with you i found a calm presence in my heart. You made me laugh like the happy kind of laugh. God knows how i wanna be with you. And God knows how sorry i am for having hurt you. Im a fumbling fool.
I wander inside the catacombs of thoughts that my puny brain process. I wanna have that perfect time when one person actually gave a flying fuck on what i feel and what i want to share. In the end, it all boils down to love, blood and family. In the current state, you need to sacrifice and be self-less. Everyday i am reminded on the grave shortcomings i had, actually there was a lot of them, so i have to make – up for lost time, money and opportunity. Is it too much to ask for things that are quietly stored inside the graveyard in my head. Quietly waiting for a blessed chance, or a half-chance, to enjoy a bit of liberty? to have that one day off where i can go in peace and nobody gives a nasty comment on every action you take? To have that silence, that precious silence when everyone you know just smiles away and you just smile back. I feel hated, even if i dont hate back. I get whipped, even if i make sacrifices. I get insulted and disrespected instead of appreciation and recognition. Fact, things work that way.
Could it be too much to ask for a solemn day of chat over pizza and beer with @porbidadolor ?
The way this post is written is character suicide, (also egotistical). Maybe im more psycho, than most psychos that claim to be psychos but arent really psychos. This is what happens when i dont take downers to knock me out of sleep. I seek happiness and a quiet silent peace of mind and heart and emotion. I demand respect to reciprocate, not equivocate. I feel weary just thinking about it. I wanna sleep. I hope i had another day to myself before heading back to the province. Ironically, im a loner that needs to find a good equilibrium of being sanely lonely and sanely sociable preferably with a few good friends. Truth is im having major self-doubt now, am i really that incorrigible? I am really that obnoxious? I know im not. I know im not condescending in a conversation…. Its just an unfortunate series of events that has fatigued me to a very high level of stress. I wander, like a mongol vagrant lost in the Gobi looking for water.
Carrots, im sorry.
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