Random Acts of Potential Trepidations

Not possibly a tell-all post about the year that passed but just a minor look back on how i messed up life was, about having new goals set and having a more optimistic view towards life.

This time last year i was in a total wreck, my mind was clouded with so much negativity, depression and hopelessness. I did a lot of bad things and mismanaged a lot of things. I squandered financial grants knowing responsibly that i was not gonna be able to pay it back. I pushed away a lot of people that cared about me, i was dark and obnoxious. i threw away several major opportunities that would have given me a greater value. I didn’t appreciate what i had and let the painful past of betrayal and rejections shroud my entire being. I was my own detriment. I was my own failure.

I mean, looking back…. what the hell was i thinking? I quit school knowing that the fraternity will give me a sense of comfort. Really? is comfort the one good reason to quit school? What about your future? What about your career. Also i resent myself for being such a stupid idiot and trusting a girlfriend that she would never cheat and hacksaw my cranium. For that i was hurt the most. Like Captain Price said, have to trust someone to be betrayed…i never did. But the implications of her dumping me just like that was like, tremendous. I stopped caring, i wanted to rebel, i lost track of what was important to me. The effect? I hit rock bottom and there’s no way for me to get back that easily.

I have been out of school for prolly a year now. And i still got a year and a half to go. I actually miss school and having good friends and have deep conversations with people. I miss learning and acquiring knowledge and other important skills and tools. I miss the company of people you share common ideas with. Im going back to school this coming June 2011 and im gonna finish it. Thats my dream for the next future and ill follow and chase it to no end. I have been dedicated, and I learned how to be dedicated and now i wanna take a lot more action. I learned also to really find people that i can definitely trust and rely on. Im not bitter, although sometimes the fangs of regret sinks deeply and force you to lick the ugly memories again. Pathetic questions on why on earth did you even meet the person who will ruin your entire life, why did she even go out with me and stuff like that… Its terrible. Sometimes i indulge those but i have learned how to manage it. Because contemplating on those thoughts will just make things worse. Enough thinking and more rebuilding. There’s not a single day until i go back to school will i waste on not rebuilding myself and equipping myself with a proper mindset. For me, its  a healing process.

I have been a fugitive, i am scared of seeing the people that i ran away from. I dont want to see them again and i do not harbor the thought that maybe someday we’ll be friends again. I cower away because i am not prepared and ready for that kind of emotional thing. And yes i have been acting like a fugitive, I stay away from public places and places where you usually hang out. I was a certified mess back then, almost a year ago.

This thing is sort of a confession, i need this for my healing process. Am i still mad? A little.  But i moved on, but i completely heal there’s only one thing left to do – go back to school.