Your Love Means Everything.

A depressingly great song by Coldplay.

I slipped away last night
Took me away from sight and the place I know.
All crushed upon my skin
This mess I put you in and the punch I thrown.

It was a strange reaction
For someone like you to remain on side
And in a chain reaction
I was down and calling for a place to hide.

I saw a broken arm
Machines will all break down in the way I know.
Mended and all made clean
I saw upon the screen all the stones I thrown.

It was a strange reaction
For someone like you to remain so sure
And in a chain reaction
I dissolve and break and then away I crawl

And then away I crawl
And away I crawl
And away I crawl
And away I crawl

___

Most of us, we are just continuously finding ways to make our lives feel special and needed. It gives a whole lot of new meaning to living. Living for something other than just plainly existing.

Thats why breakups are fucking depressing. You know, shit like that.

Mad Man.

Im looking for right words to say. I am really bothered with a lot of things, still whatever or however the world may turn out and about, i am still fucked. I look in every single possible direction in this life and all i see is a gloomy withered pasture that frankly speaking is deserving of a drop of pathetic life like mine. I deserve all these sorrow and misery and you people who wish for me to be like this, Congratulations. You fucking won.

This is when self-doubt kicks in and you think that all the world problems revolve around you. It does not but you feel its like that. You take all the bullshit before and you will still take all the bullshit now and in the future. Its all engraved in your chest forever tormenting you with all the Insulting words saying you are the biggest fucking mistake God and your parents ever fucking made.

Im gonna die soon, or perhaps a part of me died a long time ago and stopped caring a long time ago. I cant really blame anybody but myself and my sheer idiocy and stupidity because i made a lot of wrong choices. Maybe i had needs that i needed to fill up but thats not how it works. Maybe i just deserve to just die. I do right? I mean, what the fuck is all this for anyway? i have no purpose, my own brother hurls very hurtful insults at me. My mom does not love me. My father hates me so bad hes gonna put a bullet in my head the moment i step on the island. Nobody wants me. At this emo fucking moment that im having, i feel that im not welcome at hell too. So being stuck between a rock and a hard place is really all that miserable. I wish i have all the fucking courage in the world to commit self destruct but i dont even have the fucking balls to do it. Thats how lame i am. Maybe my brother is right, i am all that is wrong and pitiful in this world. I have lost a battle i had no chance of winning anyway. Fuck you, optimism.

This is Rapt 2.0’s all about. Ramblings of a Mad Man who got himself digging his own grave of quicksand, being stuck there and slowly sinking into the abyss. I have never accomplished anything and will never will. In the eyes of the only people i have cared the most, i am nothing but a loser and a mistake and a leech and a good for nothing son. And it does fucking hurt. Ill certainly go to hell and continue to have eternal lashing, as if this life aint hell enough already. All you people who wished me dead, you got me better than being dead. Isnt that suffering is better a punishment? We do live in a wonderful world. Yeah we do, yeah we do…

Now im craving for words that can balance everything, balance more evil with evil. Balance the insults and all the hurtful words that i deserve. You wonder how much you can take. You are alone in this world with even your whole family hating you. i might as well have been a convicted criminal or murderer. Seems like there’s no difference to that.

FML.

7 minutes to Midnight.

Im having weird dreams for the past two nights. I dont really spend much nights sleeping anymore because of work but if i do, my brain who is suffering from neurosis is creatively taunting me with all clogged-in and suppressed desires of my subconscious. I somehow crave for it, craving for a fantasy like wonder even if its so far-fetched from reality. Its a lovely sight to gaze into, a role-play of some sort where there are no holds barred and probably less anxiety kicks in. Its like viewing who you really are in a silver screen, reflecting your fears, desires and inner self.

When i wake up from a fascinating weird dream i almost lose all detail about it. Reality hits you pretty quickly, along with stress and fatigue and pressure. These factors i need to eliminate while i am still sane enough to be living comfortably under my skin. When i wake up, i face unlimited demons that serves a purpose of making your life miserable and solitary. I begin to watch a lot of comedy shows just so i laugh out loud alone and feel warmth amidst all this craziness. I dont appeal to help because i deem it stupid to do so because i need to help myself first. Pressure amounts, mix with an enormity of schedule-related stress, unmotivated workplace and lower than average pay scale – and you have one sick mind borderline clinical insanity.

So i must do what i must. 7 days more of slaving hours and kissing ass and then i take a sabbatical for a week. This good week will be comprised of nothing but cleansing every aspect of my human life, dealing with it Physically, Mentally and Spiritually. A week of bringing stability and equilibrium again to my tainted self, restructuring and feeling a huge sigh of relief, or even feeling freedom from stress, exhaustion and anxiety. Freedom from constant acid reflux attack, heartburn and chest pains. Freedom from ridicule and prejudice. I have to endure 7 more working days, sleepless nights, and reasoning. After that i need to give myself the proper treatment it long deserves. No more self poisoning and self sabotage. No more laughing alone moments and tv dinners. I am screwed each and every way but things has to really change.

A new light, a new inner peace and a whole new level of discipline and energy. This is more than just lip service. Thats why i put it up in my blog.

So dreams and fantasy and reality, the duality of all that shit, ill be facing it without apprehension and with an open mind. 7 days more, 7 days to go. Watch out.

Art of Astonishment.

Random thoughts for a random mind. Im quite bored because often im just staying in one place and chill alone. Its better this way though sometimes you crave for a little bit of company. But im getting that from work anyway. I feel about work, i still suck with it but just like the “one-hand revolution cut” (a card flourish move), its not easy to learn from the beginning. Having doing it over and over again, it becomes second nature and speed will come along with it.

The last 3 weeks have been magical. Ive been showing magic to people and im happy about it because now i get feedback and i get ideas on how should i improve on my routines. its crazy because i get crazy reactions too. And its awesome that after slaving for 9 hours at work people get to see magic and have a sense of wonder and amazement. Its cool. I think i have learned a lot of the two and a half years of doing it and im still improving my craft. I think i have already learned most fundamentals and now i should improve on my presentation. I really prefer simpler effects that brings about huge reactions.

For example, I did – HEAT, a simple card effect where 2 spectators each choose a card in the deck, the cards are lost in the deck and seemingly found and produced by the magician by means of the Heat retained on the spectators’ cards when they held it. I also did 2 card monte ( a more complex card trick) to the same set of spectators and they were amazed as well. Yesterday i heard them talking about the magic they saw and the simpler HEAT magic trick was more memorable to them. I guess it does vary on how well you present the trick regardless on how complex the sleights and skill needed may be.

Right now, this is my favorite material. Malone meets Marlo!! 2 of the century’s most excellent card magicians. I learn a lot from their materials. Its just hands down awesome.

Im learning a few routines, timing and rapport with the audience. Im still looking for Malone’s sam the bellhop. its also an excellent trick. Right now im actually scratching my head because i have forgotten 2 tricks i learned from Paul Harris books that enjoy performing. One of them is this. OVERKILL!

I hope i can buy a new camera within the next 3 weeks so that i can record my own performances. 3 weeks is just a short period of time and i think i can manage. I really want to show off with my own videos.

Also i missed doing the Bizzare Twist!!! OMG!

Maybe ill try doing them later. For now. I gotta rest, and hit my bed coz in 3 hours is another slaving moment at work. good thing its freaking pay day.

Thanks for reading.

New Age.

Here comes the Sun.

Happy New Year. A couple of weeks more and we welcome the Chinese New Year: Year of the TIGER. I am born TIGER so i think i have a mindset like a TIGER.

After weeks of blog inactivity, i find some time to finally update this thing and just nurture whatever is left of my writing skills and prolly some of my communication skills. I have been anxious of work, and i have been anxious of doing good at work. And i hope i will perform good cause i know i am getting the hang of it now. After 3 weeks of nesting, i was put in a good performing team which amounts to a lot of pressure to a new comer like me. It doesnt at all alleviate the anxiety that i constantly possess. But somehow, i am learning how to convert that anxiety to optimism and drive to learn, and be competitive.  Thats just about on work, got highs and lows but its the natural learning process i guess. I take comfort of the thought that the company sees something in me so i was placed in a good performing team.

(Please be advised that the following paragraphs contain severe profanity and foul language)

Fugitive.

I havent made a single new years resolution. I dont want to. Im not comfortable with it because im the kind of person who is keen to changes. I change my mind a lot even if sometimes i dont adapt to change well. i know, its a little messed up but thats just me. I do not have a resolution, but it doesnt mean that i wont make changes. I already made a lot of changes. One adage remains in my head – “Reject what is useless, Absorb what is useful.” So thats exactly what i did, i tracked the past and it all led to one single denominator so basic instinct is to Kill that fucker, burn it to the ground and bury it like the shit that it is. Now i feel like im on the run with all the ghost fuckers that pops out once in a while. I feel like a fugitive, i am a fugitive. And it feels good to be one. I wont cross that path ever again. And i dont give a fuck about that denominator that made my life extra shitty. If you know what im talking about then by a rare chance that you are reading this and reacting violently as ever, well like i said, i dont give a flying fuck about your opinion or whatever the fuck it is that you do. Leave me fucking alone.

Its just too much to handle sometimes, people judge you and label you and mock you. The thing is they can do that over and over and over. They go speak ill things of you, fine you can pour out your hearts content. I dont really give a shit. Again, all you sons and daughters of bitches who fucked my life during 09 can all go fuck yourselves in your own assess. Fuck all of you. You do not fucking scare me, and you are one big laughing stock of a joke for having a faggot, alright maybe two faggots in your little bitch ass run down clique.

Ill probably get in jail for this. I think thats the scary part of it.Yeah, prolly ill be charged with defamation and public slander or something. LOL.

Profanity Ends Here.

2010 Will be Magical.

I have been training with playing cards again. I have learned so much in the span of 2 weeks. Demonoid is up again and im quite thankful for that. Its awesome i got so much material to choose from and im doing really great with it. i have been performing a lot too, i mean, a lot. I have performed at Starbucks at work several times and i think i boosted my confidence a lot. I will just continue this and perhaps if i have settled in, ill be collecting deck of cards. My hands are smooth!

This is it for now. Finally im getting my groove back at blogging. i know i have so much anger left within me, contained and ready to destruct. just like a tiger on a prowl. Eyes on the prey. Locked and Loaded. Ever ready to ambush.

Caroline’s Roses of Toxicity.

Roses by Outkast.

(this is a very vague post, try not to understand it or better yet do not read)

Caroline! Caroline!
All the guys would say she’s mighty fine
But mighty fine only got you somewhere half the time
And the other half either got you cursed out, or coming up short
Yeah, now dig this, even though (even though)
You’d need a golden calculator to divide (to divide)
The time it took to look inside and realize that
Real guys go for real down to Mars girls, yeah!

(Warning: Please do not read below. It might contain offensive and explicit content depending really on how you interpret it, thank you for your understanding)

>> Its fascinating sometimes to think how some people would just be as callous. I gotta admit, i learned how to be callous. Well actually you live long enough to bruise yourself over and over again to find out that you actually are unaffected by sharp strings that grinds your gears. In short, you do not flinch. You see a hoe tryin to cope and poke around your world, you say, yeah.. she was a good lay. <<

Read Carefully the following words:

I know you’d like to thank your shit don’t stank
But lean a little bit closer
See that roses really smell like boo-boo
Yeah, roses really smell like boo-boo

) And i do appreciate everything. Im wearing the T-shirt you made me, the memories, the things we did not do because you dont want to do it. I appreciate it when you asked for things i could not deny you, i appreciate you letting me be when i ask you to. It was fun and i should have let it roll a few more times until we did the things we were yet to do. I appreciate it that you did the things you are good at. )

Caroline! See she’s the reason for the word “bitch” (bitch)
I hope she’s speeding on the way to the club
Trying to hurry up to get to some
Baller or singer or somebody like that
And try to put on her makeup in the mirror
And crash, crash, crash.. into a ditch! (Just Playing!)
She needs a golden calculator to divide (to divide)
The time it took to look inside and realize that
Real guys go for real down to Mars girls, yeah!

>> All i want to say is that Kanye West makes great songs. And of course Outkast too. It just shows you the reality. There exist this, and there exist that. Dont get me started on the existentialist terms, i have no idea of what they are. Its all fun, i remember most of the activity. This makes me smile.<<

I know you’d like to thank your shit don’t stank
But lean a little bit closer
See that roses really smell like boo-boo
Yeah, roses really smell like boo-boo

Thanks, I appreciate all your acts. Caroline. Til next time.

Motivation.

Its been a good ride so far and the trick is you really need to harness whatever courage you have left and make something whole out of it. Gather yourself and trust yourself that you have the capacity to do things and change things around. Its simple. As Bruce Lee said it “Absorb what is useful and Reject what is useless.”

So the trick is to forget and laugh about all the shit you’ve been through. Tough right? Obviously a lot easier than done, if you dont brood and hold a grudge because you are fixed and a fan of the closure thing, then you have probably just made amends right away and threw in the towel. Hell no. I am not like that. Like Michael Scott said when he was portraying  the Xmas Jesus, I will forgive you but i dont forget. Maybe its just the immaturity talking but there is a good reason why should you not forget. Again, if you are resilient and tenacious enough with all the tools to bounce back after, then you my friend are blessed. But if you are one hell of a degenerate like me, then you would probably keep those deep cuts open and drop some alcohol in there from time to time just to keep you aware and awake, just to keep you solidified and encouraged and probably a little bit enraged. But i really believe that rage can be tamed through time.

We are not talking about revenge here, im just saying one can convert these negative experiences and make it like some sort of an epinephrine shot. A booster, a reminder of what hell you have been through. You will proudly say now that you can conquer anything because of the fact that you got yourself destroyed in many levels and yet you live. And fate late you live for a bloody damn good reason. Harness that pain into something that would motivate you to stand out and make every single step towards your goal. And when you get the taste of success that you are aiming for, you will feel redeemed and vindicated. That my friend, is vengeance.

Remember every single hurtful words that was thrown at you, remember all the backbiting and slurring. Remember all the cheating and lying. Oh no you dont linger on it. Just let it flash one by one, just let it simmer and heat a little bit. Just enough to keep you back on track. Just enough for you to have that same flare when you were down and swearing your way back up.

Smile. Live. Create. and Move.

Aint gonna solve anything when you keep on brooding too much. I told ya, just have that staying power and that kind of focus. You will succeed. Patience, Fortitude, Restraint – these are the virtues you always have to keep in mind to be able to stay aground and not go overboard with hurling these poisons. Smile. No point of being sad or depressed when now you are creating a stable world for your well being.

You aint giving them shit. And you dont really give a flying fuck. You are doing this for yourself. You have to. You need this to better every aspect of your torn life. And everyday, it becomes evident that you are becoming a lot better. And everyday, you show yourself that you are bound for something really positively prosperous. You will feel Blessed Beyond Belief. FiiMS.

Now you are MOTIVATED.

Back Hoe.

(I am not by any means have any schooling and study on sociology and political science, i am just an observing bum)

I wonder if God would really pull the plug on 2012. Many fanatics and skeptics alike dip in this doomsday subject because it is quite interesting. If it will happen then lets quit hating and live a more meaningful life everyday. Matter of fact is that it will eventually happen. Life is short to dwell on misery and haplessness. You do people wrong and people do you wrong and its just how it goes sometimes. Were arent perfect creatures and we sure hell dont live in an ideal world. Its all ramblings we need turn into something more enjoyable. Just a thought. Although my main point now is that, id rather live on the present and do as much as i can rather than looking back on all the shit in the past or thinking too much ahead what may the future bring.

The Maguindanao massacre was a ticking time bomb that exploded and made a lot of crisis. It was just gut wrenching seeing all the dead bodies brutally murdered by lawless greedy bastard warlords. And these warlords kill whenver and whoever they want, anybody who goes against their will. In many lands here in the PI, warlords such as the evil wretched ampatuans clearly exist. As Chairman Mao said, power comes out of the barrel of a gun. Ruling by force and by fear. In the provinces the use of private armies is very very common, these places rarely get media attention so people live by it. They just sink in and give in into the system. They lack education and they lack the motivation to improve their lives by protesting against these corrupt public officials. But again, how will they fight these lawless monsters? Probably my professor back then was right, its hopeless as shit. Probably, we need a huge moral revolution to get us right back on track.

Or else we get owned by a back hoe.

Lets all try to be a good citizen even if we are aware that the country’s state right now is already downright deteriorated. Still lets give it some respect that it somehow deserves. Obey the simplest laws and educate people of whats gonna be good for them in the long run. Help out clean your neighborhood and raise awareness about people’s rights and duties. Its as simple as that. I dont have to post revolutionary tweets or rant about how GMA and her posse gang-banged the PI. We all know that shit exist. But we as normal citizens can help out as simply as we can. It only takes a little effort. Begin by fixing yourself, fixing your household and your community. If everybody does that and be selfless and its gonna have a major chain reaction. We rant and rant and rant on this and that and truth is, its not gonna help. These motherfuckers in the government are so fucked up with greed already, they just wont listen or those who tries to voice out will do a Jonas Burgos.  This is how im gonna do it because i cant go out in the streets and join the rallies. I cant be active like that because i need to take care of my job. I think the public is very much aware of everything and they are so much fed up but they just dont want another edsa to happen.

Now im confused. This is why i hate to talk about politics or religion…

Backlash.

(please do not read if you are displeased with explicit language)

You will experience a lot of misery along the way to the road of growth. Without pain and glorified drama and all that shit, you aint gonna learn the lessons that is guaranteed to make you a lot stronger and be able to brace impact for whatever predicament hits you. You will be a lot resilient and solid on everything life throws at you.

Point is you gotta let shit happen sometimes. You gotta let life punch you in the face and fuck you senseless. You just gotta let it be and enjoy the fucking skim board of lashing pain. Let it be. Experience that, cold empty darkness and shivering microtwisted jolts of pain until you give it all up. Let your world be destroyed to smithereens and vanished into oblivion for you will come out of it a different man. You will come out of it with a different perspective with everything. And if you are still breathing after that motherfucker of a torture, you will certainly prove something…

You’re a fucking survivor. And you didnt die, you didnt let life and its turmoil fuck you to death. You survived. And now you are well equipped to face whatever. Nobody can take you down, and you aint gonna let anybody take you down. You now a fighter.

And you… You can never break me.

Viper.

Just like a viper that would keep its prey in line, focused and ready to inject some venom and a kiss of death.

2 weeks and im still keeping it good. Finally i get the proper mindset of thinking towards a concrete goal and steering myself to the right path. I need to be sane. Yes i know most people label themselves as crazy because they tend to do think on a more or less philosophical basis or they just want to be unique. Im over that and when you get to see reality on a in-your-face approach, you can wish that you were still sane. Surviving is one thing, learning how not to get into survival mode is another.  Mind set is really important. It will bring out resiliency and that tenacious fighting spirit. You will wake up every day facing all these upheavals and you just utterly say, You aint gonna break me.

Work is fun, its has to be. Im forcing myself but i can really feel that i hang with it for a good amount of attitude. I dont feel pressured about anything, i just need to focus on work and let all the nightmares and distractions stay in the depths of their cesspits. I did a number of card magic which was really really fun, i missed doing not one, but a series of card routines and even revisited some of the effects i learned a year ago. I am really excited now to develop my craft further. Its a hobby and its a good one. Its kind of expensive but that why i have a job now, and that is why i am gonna own my job and continuously hear the ka-ching part of it. I really want to have a new set of cards, well, i want to seriously collecting cards. Perhaps ill use some of them but ill certainly take good care of them from now on. I remember having a good selection of tally’s and split spades but i just wore them out. Its a pity really. The only good cards to wear down are the basic bicycle cards. Its good for practice and you dont swear that hard if it gets torn or gets in the dirt when youre practicing XCM.

I remember getting my first Tally Ho Circle Back Viper Deck. It was such a sweet moment and i was just starting out then. I fanned it a lot, it was thin and smooth with the UV500 Air Flow finish, it fans like dream. It was easy to handle, it does not swell much on the hands unlike a regular bicycle deck. It looks really good. Im planning of buying another deck soon. I wont really open it this time, im just going to collect. Id still prefer a regular tally ho circle back for performances.

I like black finished cards, they add a certain degree of mystery to any card trick. Plus, its just quite fashionable. Sometimes though people may think that hey, thats a special magic cards that do magic for you. The thing is, i very rarely use a gaffed or specialized deck, firstly i find it expensive to use and i dont find it practical. At least on my taste, i like it appearing as fair as it could be to the audience.

Hmm, i also miss having the Bicycle Centurions and David Blaine’s Lion Split Spades. Note to self: Do not use these high quality and well designed cards for rigorous xcm practice.

My night shifts will start later, im excited to go out because of the cool breezo weather and traffic wont be much of a hassle. im still wondering what’s gonna be my sched for next week. Prolly still on the vamp mode. Note to self: Ciggies aint gonna help much. okay, i know its gonna add up to the stress level. I need the Cards. I need them because they will add up to my sanity. I need them because looking at them makes me happy and satisfied, and i can make other people laugh, smile and have a sense of wonder, or curse me as a fat demon with a mini fro. Lol. Hopefully i can have one good deck of cards come Xmas time. If we do get to have a xmas party, then probably i can show off a thing or two. This time, i just need to get my head in the game all the time.