Cards can hit you in the head.

One great thing about magic is that it has the ability to develop a certain climax depending on how you want it to be. It can be an ecstatic ending or mystifying even. Depending on how you deliver the piece of art that you make, people will call you out from being a trickster with fast hands to being a really strange individual with supernatural demonic powers. It is that effective. 

David Blaine is quite the magician and illusionist that broke in the mainstream and has mystified a lot of people with a lot of levitation acts, card tricks and a lot of other nasty stuff. He has created sort of a distinguishable mysterious personality around him. Criss Angel on the other hand does a lot of tricks too and considers himself as a freak. Same effects, almost the same methodologies but different outcomes or end results or different personalities. David Blaine popularized a card trick every budding magician does, the two-card Monte. Its a card switching/gambling effect that the spectator cluelessly follows and yet fails to catch how the switch is done. It has a lot of subtleties and it is quite a tough trick to learn in the beginning. here is how david blaine does it. 

Great reactions from a classic card trick. Everybody’s got a version of it and its cool, its unpredictable and its got a nice twist. Wanna see how i do it? Okay here it is. PLS turn down the volume of your speakers for now because this is unedited. 

Yes. I miss having those kinds of reactions and you only got a deck of cards and good showmanship to make people blow their minds and just have fun. Also an issue for me is how to set that kind of personality. Well, perhaps i should just be myself. A card magician is what it is. Perhaps im just seeking some sort of inspiration again to do the things that i really enjoy. Ive been called the devil one time when i performed stigmata by Wayne Houchin with some college school girls. Some of them actually ran out of the gazebo. Its fun. Its takes away people’s stress and give them a sense of wonder.

Okay, i dont wanna post a video of Stigmata here because i ought to show it to someone soon. Dont wanna spoil things. Lol. As for the 2 card monte, its quite become a generic effect now that everyone has seen it. Well at least in my standards. Haha.

Thanks for reading.

Spiritual Poverty.

This life we live in is really slammed with mysteries and questions and reactions. From the best philosophical minds to the simple minded borderline pathetic thinking like mine. But there must be some point in our minute lives when we ask a terrible and seemingly mentally dehydrating question like “Why the frack do we exist?” Why do we live and move about in this world” and is there such a thing as a God?

See, i lived in a Catholic life and sure i believe the God that i learned about existed. But now society with all the science, economics and technological advances a concept of a God in a specific sort of way drains the minds of the away. I dont know jack about communism but i kinda know that they reject the concept of a God. having Marx say that religion is the opium of the masses, interpreting that into, religion was only created so that people have something to cling onto amidst the poverty and oppression that they are experiencing. Lets admit, here in the PH i meet new atheists everyday. Plenty of non believers and people who dont give jack about religion. PH is a huge Catholic country though. Maybe im just mixing in with them agnostics.

At one point I also lost my faith and really just lost that losing grip with my religion and spirituality. I threw my life away, i Lied tremendously to people that was taking care of me, i became so bitter with life and reality and almost pushed myself to suicide because i thought i lost all my purpose here and no one really cared so much it didnt really matter if im dead or not. I gave up, i didnt want to fight anymore because i really thought that im a hopeless case. I get depressed a lot, Cried a lot. Life is just full of anxiety and fear. I felt horribly cold and alone most of the time. It was harsh and at that time of my life i just had to accept all these twisted reasoning and depressed atmosphere. I still believe in Him that point but i feel abandoned and unloved. I pushed Him away, i even curse for making me the way i am.

During darker days, i got nowhere to go, nowhere to run. I was desperate and i know that if im still living and breathing then i just have to continue and try as little as i can to straighten up things. i started prayer, i got to mass each sunday trying to figure out things. At church i often hide my tears whenever the homily is being laid down. I learned a lot, I realized all my mistakes. Breaking down was a common sight. I was really anxious but it was lessened a lot when i started build my faith again. I started praying. I hoped. One homily i really broke down because i realized what the priest uttered – “Ask and you shall be given, Knock and the doors shall be opened”.

I was really going down a tough road and it could have gotten a lot more worse. I could have even ended it all. it was really a dire state to be in but i just need to find out that i still have a wild chance to rebuild and pick up all the broken pieces. That is how my spirituality strengthened. I wanted a new life and i had to start it with God. I asked and i was given. My prayers were somehow answered. It gave me a good start and it is up to me to sustain it.

The questions we have are really tough to answer. Our minds crave for empirical evidences and proofs that we may never ever find. Subjectively, i think its really a leap of faith. Believe and have that strong attitude towards life. Even in darkest moments you can find refuge in God, but you gotta believe. otherwise what’s the point?

 

 

Haymaker Pac.

Got home earlier from werk exam, i did pretty well because people really got cut from failing it. Others even stayed longer because they have to do another essay test before proceeding to major interviews. I think im ready for the work and the lifestyle and the action. One step closer to becoming a working man. If i get hired then ima love my job. If not, look for more options and there is a hell lot out there.

So i got home and i got really bored, normally i would just take a nap or watch a good flick but this time i just blanked out after refreshing my twitter site several times just to see who tweeted something interesting. Also if Kat’s online already so i can bug her. Haha. Came across a lot of Pacman articles and Mayweather articles all saying that both decorated fighters should have a mega fight. The fight should happen, Pacman im sure will have no problems with that because he knows and the whole damn nation knows that he will outclass Gayweather. Of course the pompous ass of Pretty Boy Floyd has been ranting about how has he always been discredited for his fights. Truth is, he’s been ducking opponents that he knows he has a difficulty fighting with i.e. Sugar Shane Mosely. Also all he cares about is Money. He said in an interview that if He beats Pacquiao then people will say that it was easy for him to do so because Pacman is smaller. Lots of blabber from Gayweather. Not like Pacman, who obviously does his talking in the ring.

But this Mega Fight will be inevitable, Kevin Iole of yahoo sports explains why.

We hear all the accolades and praises for the pacman, which he certainly deserves. He’s a great man and time magazine asia defined him as a symbol or a figure of Hope. Well, he really is. We are fortunate enough to be blessed with an Icon that represented us to the whole world. Not only that, he represented us filipinos with values that everyone should recognize and follow. He is the perfect example of “Determination”. He did everything with the same level of humility, respect and honor. Simply unbelievable.

Haha. Finally i salute the Pacman as a filipino and as a Fight Fan. Daike bet for Cotto and lost, told him Pac’s speed will be key and Cotto is just not at par. Still it was nerve-wracking before it started. What a rush.  Daike, by the way, is a boxing Geek. Ask him anything about it and he knows the answer. Also that kid got mad skillz at Fight NIGHT Rnd 4 on the PS3.

On the lighter side of things, i found this hilarious interview of Pac.

What i want to learn about Pac is his attitude and work ethic. He makes things work and he does not brag about it. He is humble but look how far he got now? God is Good when you do God’s work. And i believe in that.

Finally i blogged about Pac.

Waiting for Pretty Boy Gayweather to join this familiar pic. Kissing the canvas of course!

November the 16th.

This is one of the days that i really feel positive. I am still too lazy sometimes but now things unfold and i have a much more clearer path. I found a new friend to mess with on twitter and hopefully ill land on a stable job this week. Which means a stable cash flow for me and finally i can pay my debts.

My dad texted me with a positive message. I know he’s really mad a me and i cant blame him because i really really did an awful lot of stupid things. I dont wish to talk about failures today because it would really ruin my dad. I just move forward and forward, look back from time to time and learn from all that shit. My Mom also greeted me, Cess and Pip too. Which was awesome. As much as i hate Pip for being a pompous ass that he is, my love for him being a brother will not be fazed. ill support him to death, and ill help him with whatever. I learned a lot and i mean, a hell lot. Now that certain paths are clearer for me, i am encouraged more to adapt to this change that i really long for. Less bitterness, more maturity and more responsible for myself.

I have not really celebrated birthdays with extravagance or with parties and stuff, since i was 15. I think i really enjoyed my 14th birthday because i got a playstation as a gift and it was sheer bliss as far as i can tell. LOL. Since then, my birthdays had been a lot boring. A lot less special. A lot of things were wrong with me thats why birthdays have been a lot less meaningful. But ima change all that, and this time i want to showcase who i am to the world. This is me, and this is what i can do. No more hiding in the shadows and throwing out cold stares. Its just that i think i was overwhelmed by lack of self-respect and inferiority. And i want to erase that in my life but not overstepping the bounds, still God-fearing and humble. Not to mention my temper, i really have to tone it down. But i am calm even in distress or feud, only that when i see things that are wrong or wronged then that reservoir of temper just explodes. One thing on how to eliminate that is to say what you want to say, straightfoward and honest and sincere, to the people you want to say it to. Also, avoid lying. when lies all pile up it will certainly crash down with a huge bang.

Looking on the brighter side of things, i must see fortune for experiencing all these kinds of shit early on in life, rather to suffer these fucked up things later on. I learned and now i have to harness that knowledge to become a weapon for success. its all up to me. God has given me a huge test that i barely passed.

Thanks for all the people who has challenged me to become a better person. And i will. Thanks for the friendship, some of them died and some awesomely lingers. Thanks for the people who gave me turmoil, also. Redemption – FiiMS.

 

Leased.

“This could be the end of everything, so why dont we go somewhere only we know.”

Its had been a really really rugged week. Finally more monkeys are coming off my back, finally im getting somewhere and heading towards a clear path. I just gotta get things done and im good to go. Its good, that i get less anxious everyday, at least. I was tempted to try the anti-depressants that Daik has been taking but it might cause adverse effects on me.

I have not updated this for more than a week i think. That’s because its hard to put in words all the thoughts that cross as a relief. Its very easy then to write about stuff when you are driven. Im still lucky enough to survive a chaotic event although in the back of my head, i am still a grave sinner whose sins deem unforgivable.

Friends did help me a lot. I have very very few of them but they are the ones who will never throw you under the bus. They do try and understand the situation you are in and try and sympathize. I appreciate what they did to me. I really made haters along the way and it was my fault that i gave in to wrong decisions. Things have been said here and there and i knew that it was caused by my lack of tactfulness. Simply voicing out your opinion can change people’s perception regarding your stand so you gotta deliver that opinion correctly. For me though, it was all too much. Ive been labeled and humiliated and hated, but i take all. At least i didnt go that path and did the same to other people.

Shit. I have another lease on life. Another chance to not fuck up and do things the right way. Thank God for letting me survive such event. But its not done yet, there’s still a lot of things to do to gain that stability.

Work it.

The Bitter Memory of You.

I am afraid because i am a fucking screw up of a neurotic. And i ask God for a tremendous amount of help to let me live for a while. Even if i am close to the edge. The changes, it begins with letting go and heaving the daggers that is pierced and is rusting in your heart. It begins with that then you settle for a new life without the heavy baggage that is continuously tearing up inside you.

“You broke my heart 5 months ago, you know you did and i almost cannot forgive you. But there is nothing i cannot do, i cannot be bitter anymore because this will linger forever, i still think about you every single day and i can only drown in a cesspool of regret. Its killing me. I know i should not desire to be with you anymore, even though sometimes i think you are full of shit. Today I crucify myself, 5 months ago i crucified myself, for losing someone that i hold dearly. Everyday i crucify myself.”

Shit does happen and a lot of it just happen too quickly. All this miserable antics, all this moping and whining about how cruel life can be, this is all a part of a bigger picture and this is just a speck of it. But it clearly affects every aspect of your life when you consider that speck an integral component of your being. I have loved her with everything i got, up to the extent of insanity. I dont know why, but its just the way i am. I have loved her with everything i got, and when she went away, i was lost.

“I was so much in love with you, i dont know how else to convey it. What you did, inflicted a lot painful memories that i cannot easily dispel. You tore me apart, you destroyed me. I know i should have done better with moving on, but can you blame me? I gave my heart and soul to you.”

I wasted away, it was my own demise. I tried other areas of my so-called life to find some sort of happiness but i found no such luck, where so, i even found more misery. I dont finger point you but you destroyed me. You fucking destroyed me. And this time i am stepping out of that crucifix because i want to be free of the thought that perhaps someday you will comeback, that perhaps someday you will just appear and i can feel that love again, that perhaps someday ill have the meaning and reason for living again.

“i know you are probably laughing at me, but i told you before i take these thing too seriously. I gave it everything i had. it was tough. I know i didnt deserve it. When you broke up with me, i felt like getting hit by freight train. I was shocked, dumbfounded, tears. It hurt a lot, you bitch”

I dont know the story, i refused to know because i know i will be hurt more. But thats a mistake because i should have known earlier that you already have someone in your life. That fast? What just after you broke up with me? i guess i didnt know who you really are. I guess i was blindsided by all this. I guess people do operate that way. I felt that i was just a cheap accessory that you threw away the day you found a new expensive one. Its true isnt it?

“This bitterness inside of me, it really took a major toll. I havent found peace, i made it all worse by mismanaging everything. For more than i year i devoted my entire life for you, i sacrificed so much. I felt that everything that i should live for is gone, but all cheesyness sake, that is utterly stupid. You made me angry, i hated you and God knows that i should not hate you anymore because all these fucking emotions will just hinder me of doing the right things with the right mind. Enough of these reprehensible ideas of someday i can still belong in your life. This part of my brain should be whacked out, its saying, hey perhaps someday you’ll be together again and perhaps you should tickle this fantasy for a little more time and hurt your self in the process. i say, BULLSHIT. Nobody likes pain and we are all but hypocrites to like it.”

I will do better in life. And this i swear to God, and to my Family. I know that i am a good person, i know that i owe a lot of people apologies. I know that i should be humble and ask for forgiveness. I have hurt a lot of people because of this bitterness and the whole obscure dimension of depression. I have not moved on, this is what this whole long ass rant post is all about. I surrender to it and i dont want these damn thoughts to linger in my head anymore.

I dont deserve you, twice as much as you dont deserve me.

That may be my pride talking but its true. My intuitions were true. This is the part of life that really stinks to high heavens. When you get stuck in a moment that you cannot get out of easily. That when all of your dreams and aspirations just shatter away. I know now is the time that i have to pull myself together and be strong. This moment will pass and i know i will be a lot more stronger.

My hands are covered with all that blood and tears and memory of you. I was hurt and wounded deeply. Now its out, now i have nothing and free to do anything. I cannot forget about how you destroyed me, because it will motivate me like never before.

 

Beautiful.

Lately I’ve been hard to reach
I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I’m reaching out for you

I’m just so fucking depressed
I just can’t seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump

I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
And in order for me to pick the mic back up

I don’t know how or why or when
I ended up this position I’m in
I’m starting to feel dissin’ again
So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can’t admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet

And I know some shit’s so hard to swallow
But I can’t just sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow but I know one fact
I’ll be one tough act to follow

One tough act to follow
I’ll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you’d have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it’s like, to be me
I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes
Just to see what it’d be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others’ minds
Just to see what we’d find
Look at shit through each others’ eyes

Don’t let ‘em say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don’t let ‘em say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

I think I’m starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything’s so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check
The temperature of the room

Just as soon as I walk in, it’s like all eyes on me
And so I try to avoid any eye contact
‘Cause if I do that then it opens the door
For conversation, like I want that

I’m not looking for extra attention
I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom

I don’t need no fucking man servant
Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of ‘em ain’t even funny like

Ha! Marshall you’re so funny man
You should be a comedian, god damn!”
Unfortunately I am
I just hide behind the tears of a clown

So why don’t you all sit down
Listen to the tale I’m about to tell
Hell, we don’t gotta trade our shoes
And you ain’t gotta walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see
What it’s like, to be me
I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes
Just to see what it’d be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we’d find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don’t let ‘em say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
So don’t let ‘em say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we’re dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip ‘em, don’t expect no help

Now I could’ve either just sat on my ass
And pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I’m placed in
And get up and get my own

I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
I sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did

I just wanted to fit in
Every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid

And Edna always told me
Keep making that face and it’ll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I’m just standing there
Holding my tongue tryna talk like that

‘Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole
At 8 years old
I learned my lesson then
‘Cause I wasn’t trying to impress my friends no more

But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
‘Cause where you see it, from where you’re sittin
It’s probably 110% different

I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each others shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10’s
Let’s see if you can fit your feet

In my shoes, just to see
What it’s like, to be me
I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes
Just to see what it’d be like

To feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others minds
Just to see what we’d find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don’t let ‘em say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
So don’t let ‘em say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you

So don’t let ‘em say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked just stay true to you
So

Lately I’ve been hard to reach
I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has their private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
I’m reaching out for you

Yeah, to my babies
Stay strong, daddy will be home soon

And to the rest of the world
God gave you shoes to fit you
So put ‘em on and wear ‘em
Be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny
Don’t ever let anyone tell you you ain’t beautiful

_______________________________________

By Eminem.

Inspiring. Motivating. Best song ever. FIIMS.

Nov is a happy place. SRS.

Its November and now’s is a good time to freak out. If a particular month can tell my fate, this is it. There’s no more running around anymore. We die if we die, we live and continue the battle through the immensity of the pain. Either way, whatever way, ill be accepting it. I brought this upon myself. Its my own oblivious unthinkable errors.  Lets ride the waves and crawl out this cave of misery and dig out so that rays of light can be seen.

There is more to it than this. i cant really explain it over and over just to make myself feel a little bit better because i know it really would not help. This will not help, like i said in my previous post well, i have nothing. What i dont want to do is to hurt other people. This is now November and i am still lost and i am still looking for a lifeline. I have none.

Its time to do this. Its really really hard but it has come to a dead end. Where you hit a freaking brick wall. There’s no where to go, no where to hide. The chips are all down and now we start praying for a minor miracle. I cant really conjure one now. Its really difficult. It really is. I wish i had a psych too, i dont know, im quite bothered since the day i was born. i dont deserve any of this.

But i gotta do it you know. Whatever it turns out to be. its just the way it worked out for me. i feel like crap, honestly. Who wont right? I dont believe that there are people worse than i am, i am the worst kind alive. I just gotta inch my way out of this. But how to start it? and Where do i begin? Where do i get the words that i should say? I am weak, i have less and less courage everyday.

I think ill journey out today, wherever i might go, i just need some bloody time to rearrange myself.

Its really a pity, it really is. I cant write of a decent blogpost and flashes of memories still haunt my mind. This is desperation as its finest, this is D-Day after all. Whatever made me a monster i cant really define, but all of that factors made me the monster that i am. I want a near-death experience.

But i cant induce it on my own.

Regrets does not just go down the drain that easily. Regrets wont just fade away and it continues to haunt me and haunt me. I hope that i can apply all the lessons that i got and just aim for the better. I wish that there is a next time, another slim chance perhaps because quite frankly, i aint got none.

I hope that people can forgive me, although the pessimist in me says that i have no chance in hell that they would. It would be easier if they just banish me forever. Now that would hurt big time. But i deserve it more than any man does. I wish that i can just kill myself but i wont just yet. I gotta push the envelope more further and see how it goes. I wish i would never write a suicide note.

I wish i had more friends. So you know, treasure your friends cause you’ll gonna feel a lot more human because you know that they got your back. You live alone, you die alone. Its a painstaking process to undergo and that delusion of what lies ahead.

Sorry this post is really fucked up.

What cant i just be normal eh? Thats because i have a serious mental problem and i dont really know. I really cant be pointing fingers at anyone. Its all my fault. And jesus christ please save my sorry ass.

November is suicide  month.  FIIMS.

 

 

FIIMS.

I shaved my head. I feel locked out yesterday so i made quite a few changes. I now have that exuberant feeling of motivation creeping inside my nerves. Gone are the days when i project myself with non existent hope. Now im a certified skinhead. I feel that boost in my head again, now i feel that i have a lot to prove and now i will not sulk about it. Ill fight it. just like joining the Project Mayhem after you have lost everything in your life.

That motivation, that momentum, that one moments chance of redemption, that energy that seems to be unparalleled, – you have to Fuck It In My System.  FIIMS.

Im tired of running away. Sick and Tired of losing all the time. Sick tired of myself doing nothing. Sick and tired of giving in, sick and tired of letting go. Change is the path, the right path towards redemption. Start from the simple little things, add more and more fuel to that ember. Motivate. Drive yourself.

Hate can be a great motivator when harnessed properly. FIIMS.

Hypnotize, this is the moment where i feel that im gaining lost self-respect. I just have to sustain everything, sustain the momentum. Add more fuel into the fire. I found a good method to burn myself with drive. Ill use it until its spent. I have after all, nothing. Nothing to lose. Its all fucked up but i aint giving up. I wont give karma the opportunity of laughing at my funeral. At least, not fucking yet. Its only after you have lost everything, you are free to do anything. power, motivation, burn – FIIMS.

Honey, you are one depressing thought that makes all the nerves in my body dance like bears. If you must, continue what you’re doing. I like it so much. You are one depressing thought that will keep me burning for a long time. You have no idea how you destroyed me. The thought of you – FIIMS.

Redemption – FIIMS.

Bloody Hell.

Story of My Life.

“It’s only after you’ve lost everything,” Tyler says, “that you’re free to do anything.”

I am joining Fight Club. It is only after you have lost everything, that you are free to do anything. I have lost everything, as in everything. Months back i lost the one person who i really care for, the one person who really made me happy. After that i mishandled depression so it badly affected my school work. I lost that. I had plenty of mis-communications with my friends so i lost them. Everyday since, i was depressed. Darkness loomed my life, i succumbed to alcoholism and smoking. I was not helping myself, and neither was anybody else. I felt i was abandoned. I felt alone most of the time. Then i got dumped. Things got a little worse. I am worried now because my school work has failed. My parents expect a lot from me, i had failed them miserably and sad to say, it is what pains me the most. I lost them. Then i got another big mis-communication problem with several of my friends, i also got issues with other people. So i lost them. I wasn’t able to fix it. All was incredibly flaming and i just gave up. I lost track of my priorities and now i am nothing but a fuck up. I was depressed everyday, i was lonely everyday and I have no real friends to make a conversation with. I feel like everyone was mad at me. I am not a very likable person. I dont know if i am really that abrasive. I dont know. Im quite lost with all the things that happened in my life. At this stage i should be doing a lot but now i feel like shit and i just dont know where to start. I am a coward. My parents will not accept me back, i have failed them for the Nth time. I have a weight problem as well. I have been a very good liar, and the persons that i lied to the most are my parents. I am a bastard. Im not even gonna defend myself here, its not worth it. I am suffering from numerous anxiety attacks everyday. Cigarettes are my best companion. My head just thinks too much overwhelming thoughts i get defeated every fucking time. I even cry and freak out in my sleep. I am a fucking neurotic.I feel like i have lost everything. I have nothing right now. Nothingness, this is how it feels. This is what oblivion is all about. No Man is an Island, and that much is true. I am broken into a million little pieces.

I have to cut this short. Torment awaits. I gotta leave for now and go someplace else. Be gone for a couple of ours away from all this torment. I have nothing, zero.. Nada. I seriously do not know when and where and how to begin. I do not know.

I hope that i am indeed free to do anything.